Scary Halloween Cocktails

Darcy O'Neil :: October 27, 2007 4:10 PM

Halloween cocktailsAnother seasonal event is upon us, Hallows Eve. All the little ghouls will be running around collecting their sugar laden loot like a horde of drunken monkeys. The big ghouls will be embarking upon their own adventures at their drinking layer of choice. Much like the little ghouls, the the big ghouls will be partaking in the excess consumption of evil spirits and mind altering sugary substances. These “cocktails” will turn a sane individual into a creature displaying no fear and will temporarily remove all sense of dignity and intelligence from their mortal thought factory. These drinks will make them believe they are superior creatures who are suave, debonair, comedic, indestructible, remorseless and infuse them with boundless energy. However, like all pacts with the devil, these potions only offer temporary powers and as pumpkin hour descends upon them, they will become the the esophageal expelling hordes of regret and embarrassment. What are these intoxicating liquids, of satanic origin, that impart and take away such powers?

Blender Ghouls

These drinks prey upon the weak by luring them with their attractive colours of red, green and white and the banshee scream of the blender. Their names are Margarita, Daiquiri and Pina Colada. They attack with a one-two punch of powerful sugar levels and the much feared “brain freeze”. Victims can often be seen writhing on the dance floor in a temporary state of euphoria, followed within hours by a state of lethargy (sugar crash) and cephalgia (headache).

The Soul-less Extra Dry Vodka Martini

The soul of any drink is well balanced flavour. The Extra Dry Vodka Martini is the anti-cocktail that works its voodoo by preying upon the weak who are flavour impaired. This cocktail often reduces a person to a pathetic heap, removing their soul and personality. The resulting chair corpse that was once fun and intelligent is now a body bag for the leftover bits. Victims can often be seen crying in their drinks and attempting to be everyone's best friend because a soul-less person is so lonely inside.

Attack of the Zombie

At one time the drink that was the Zombie was vibrant and creative, however, as it aged, and was cared for by lesser bartenders, it was left to decompose and became the undead of the cocktail world. The drink is made from large quantities of cheap, fiery, Kill Devil (rum) and the bodily fluids of random, long dead, fruit corpses. Drinkers of the Undead Zombie can be seen, head down, on a table with a streamer of drool pooling underneath their face. Prior to regaining their life essence they will turn a zombie-ish white / pale green and violently expel the Kill Devil from their body, threw their primary orifice.


Evil is the spirit they call Jager. It calls to young men, challenging them to be “man enough” to imbibe the blood of elk, eye of newt, and toe of frog, wool of bat, and tongue of dog, adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting, lizard's leg, and howlet's wing, for a charm of powerful trouble, like a hell-broth boil and bubble. One by one the young men journey the path of courage, only to find out that the path leads them to the Throne of Emesis. Victims can be found chanting slogans of manhood. One by one they follow mindlessly unaware of the dangers. They fall into a semi-conscious state and begin to mumble incoherent phrases and laugh at the empty void. They eventually stager to the “Throne”.

Face Inverters

Trouble is often found in small packages and Face Inverters are the gremlins that will haunt you for years to come. They often look innocent and sweet in their cute little one ounce glasses and pretty colours. But inside lurks a powerful spirit that claims many victims. Exposure can be identified by the inverted face pucker people often make after drinking one.

First, it lures its victims into a sense of comradery, courage and social delight. Then it brings joy and happiness. Once a Face Inverter has a firm grasp upon its victim, it unleashes its misery of pain and suffering; dizziness, vomiting, headaches, dry mouth, stomach cramps, chills, hot flashes are all signs of possession by a Face Inverter. Its cruelest weapon is the long term psychological effects.

Victims who have had a previous run-in with Face Inverters will repel in horror at the mere site of them. They may begin to heave and convulse uncontrollably. They beg for leniency and compassion, but often the barer of a Face Inverter is already under its powerful grasp and will not except no for an answer. Reluctantly, and with misplaced courage, the victim partakes, and is once again thrown into the cruel world of the Face Inverter.

On Hollows Eve beware the potions of the night, for the next day, you shall pay. Happy Halloween everybody!

Fix the Pumps
FeedburnerAdd to Google Reader or HomepageMy Yahoo

join our mailing list
* indicates required

Powered by MailChimp