50 Signs You Are a Bad Bartender
by Darcy O'Neil on December 2010
I've been reading Waiter Rant and the good Waiter has posted a couple of good articles: 50 Signs You're Working in a Bad Restaurant and 50 Signs You Might be An Asshole Customer. These posts inspired me to write one for bartenders, since I've worked with more bad bartenders than good ones. Your not a bad bartender if only a few of these apply, but you might want to think about modifying your work habits. Please feel free to add to the list by leaving a comment.
1. The term "quality" never crossed your mind, people only drink to get drunk, right?
2. To make a great drink requires the use of 151 proof rum.
3. Pissing off the servers is your nightly entertainment.
4. Running the dishwasher without soap doesn't concern you.
5. You jam bottles into the ice bin and scoop ice with the glass.
6. You think the floor drain is a sink so you dump your shaker on the floor.
7. You think short pouring is good because it makes the bar more money.
8. You steal tips from your co-workers.
9. You think expiry dates on juices and milk are guidelines.
10. The only reason you bartend is for free booze and cheap girls.
11. When someone tips poorly you assume you did nothing wrong and that the guest is an asshole.
12. You think sour mix is a direct substitute for real lemon or lime juice.
13. You don't know what bitters are.
14. You huff and sigh when somebody orders a drink you don't like.
15. Your theory on drink making is: more sugar equals better drink
16. When somebody orders a $100 snifter of cognac you expect a $20 tip.
17. You don't know what a snifter is.
18. Washing your cocktail shakers is done once, at the end of your shift.
19. Your goal is to have sex with all of the servers of the opposite gender.
20. Your goal is to have sex with all of the servers of the same gender.
21. Your breasts are more important to making tips than your brain.
22. When asked about a cocktail on the menu, you read from the menu to give the answer.
23. You think Rose's lime, sour mix and lime juice combine to make a better drink.
24. You haven't washed your work cloths for weeks and just leave them under the bar.
25. The blender is your favourite bar tool.
26. Sticking your finger in a drink to taste it doesn't concern you.
27. You use your hands as ice scoops
28. You wash your hands once per shift, at the end of the night.
29. Using a three day old slimy lemon wedges doesn't raise an alarm bell.
30. You spend more time talking to the servers than the guests at the bar.
31. Everything you talk about has sexual connotations.
32. You call in sick because you have another hangover.
33. You drop limes on the floor and can't be bothered to wash them.
34. You think the bar is yours and drink whenever you feel like it.
35. Getting drunk or high, while working, is normal.
36. You put a lime garnish on single malt scotch.
37. The only drinks you know have sexual names.
38. A 60 year old lady asks for a nice cocktail and you server her a 1-800-Fuck-Me-Up.
39. You break a glass in the ice well and decide it';s nothing to worry about.
40. You strain fruit flies out of the liquor then put the liquor back on the bar.
41. You carry around a fly swatter and kill flies while people eat.
42. When it gets really busy, you go for a smoke.
43. You chastise people for their drink orders.
44. You "borrow indefinitely" from the till to pay your rent.
45. You make the drinks "strong" without charging appropriately.
46. You fish fruit flies out of the draught beer with the tip of a straw.
47. You treat your bar-back like dirt, but expect exemplary service
48. The solution to every problem is: just add bitters
49. You develop a "god complex" just because you are a bartender
50. You think you are an elite bartender and ignore guests request because you think you know better than they do.
Please feel free to add to the list by posting a comment. I'm sure I could do another 50 if I really thought about it.